It’s O.K. to Cheat On Your Team

by John Gorman
Love of Sports Correspondent

I have a confession to make.

Last week, while you weren’t around ... I cheated.

Yes, it’s true. While you were out of the house on business - away from my line of sight - I did the unthinkable. I was making love to the Philadelphia Phillies.

What can I say? They were just so captivating and charismatic and confident, and they did something you couldn’t: they sealed the deal. They, you know, gave it to the Rays real hard - and you just couldn’t do that. And it was so satisfying.

What’s that? You just went all the way with me last year? You said you swept the Rockies to win another World Series? I know. But I need it every year. A man’s got needs, you know.

*************************************************************

[Presses pause, walks out of frame]

Has this ever happened to you? Of course it has. Your team is out of mind for the foreseeable future, or they just aren’t performing the way they used to or you’ve just developed wandering eyes. Maybe another team’s caught your eye and sparked interest that hasn’t been with your current team in days, weeks or even years.

And so you cheat. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We all go through it. And like the upstanding moral beacon I am, I’m here to tell you that it’s OK, and also to tell you how to get away with a little athletic infidelity.

(Full disclosure: My fan loyalties and heart belong to the following teams: Buffalo Bills, Buffalo Sabres, Boston Red Sox, Philadelphia 76ers, Syracuse University basketball and Auburn football. I want you to know I’m not just naming names here in the examples provided below, and these teams listed above will become mega-important in Part II.

A Player’s Guide to Cheating On Your Team

Part I: Types of Cheating

1. The One-Night Stand

I go back to Super Bowl XLII. See, I am nowhere near a New York Giants fan (Super Bowl XXV sort of ruined them for me), but I think we can all agree there weren’t too many folks outside the immediate New England area who wanted to see Darth Hoodie and Golden Boy run away with a perfect season. So, with your team out of the playoffs and with the prospect of watching a supreme underdog derail history, maybe you find yourself passionately cheering for enemy colors or a plucky underdog if the chemistry is right. Oh, and copious amounts of alcohol help ... a lot. This can almost exclusively happen in football, during the playoffs, or during the World Cup - as many other sports play something called a “series.”

Other examples: Rocco Mediate at the 2008 U.S. Open, 2004 Carolina Panthers, 2002 Brazil World Cup Team

2. One Month of Hot Action

Your team’s totally out of it. Another team catches your eye with an uncanny mix of passion, intrigue and mystery. They’re flashy, bold and extremely sexy. Everybody wants to get into bed with this team from the media to Joe Average Coworker. “Did you see her? Don’t you just love what they do?” Oh, yeah. There’s plenty of these stories. One of my favorites involves George Mason from 2006. Everybody hopped on that bandwagon, and yet you feel like they only have eyes for you. They lead you through a cascade, a kaleidoscope of emotions and it’s just intense. Like all great flings, though, they tend to break your heart in the end, or you revert back to your favorite when you begin to question your heart.

Other examples: 2008 Philadelphia Phillies, 2008 Davidson Basketball, 2003 Calgary Flames, 1999 St. Louis Rams

3. The Summer Fling

Sometimes, the heat turns up. Dresses are getting shorter. Your mind begins to wander. Maybe you’re beginning to think there’s other teams out there that could fulfill your needs and desires. You begin to study up on this new team a little more. You find yourself reading their associated blogs or not changing the channel when this new team’s being talked about on PTI. Oh my, you start to get excited when their star player - who’s totally one of your favorites - gets mentioned on the radio. They finish the season on a tear and capture your heart. Maybe it’s for sentimental reasons, or maybe it’s just cold hard lust. You watch their games. You curse the other team. Don’t lie; you felt these same butterflies watching the New Orleans Hornets last year.

Other Examples: 2005-06 New Orleans Saints, 2006 Detroit Tigers, 2001 Arizona Diamondbacks

4. The Extended “Break”

Your team’s really been upsetting you lately. Bad personnel and draft-day decisions have checked your team into a room at the Extended Stay in Loserville, U.S.A. You’re quick to latch onto anything that flashes the “come hither” stare. Maybe it’s a five-wideout offense. Maybe it’s a fiery coach. Maybe it’s a team that bands together, plays hard and swings for the fences. For many of us, with basketball turning into a monotonous drone of trap defense and paint-clogging, the Phoenix Suns of 2004-07 were just the breath of fresh air leading us to sigh a great sigh of ecstasy. Points with style and flare. Oh, how I wish my significant other could love me like this.

Other Examples: Iverson-era Denver Nuggets, Nellie-ball era Dallas Mavericks, C-Webb in his prime era Sacramento Kings

5. The Second Banana

You know, your backup. The one you call after you’ve been shutout by the home team. The one you come crawling to in the middle of the night when it’s cold and rainy and your team just stomach-punched you and kicked you out of the house. This new team is dependable, always down for action and leaves you feeling like the king of the mountain when it’s all said and done. And, hey, if you have to put a bag over your head to watch your current team, who could blame you for wanting to mix it up with a proven commodity? For me, that team’s always the University of North Carolina in basketball. More often than not, they’ll take you to the Promised Land, or at least make you feel like you’re going on a long vacation there.

Other examples (these will vary greatly, mine included): Edmonton Oilers, Penn State Football, Washington Redskins

6. Jumping Ship

I have another confession to make: ready? I haven’t always been a Boston Red Sox fan. There, I’ve said it. That feels good. The Red Sox are actually my second love, after the Toronto Blue Jays up until the 1994 strike year. What changed? Well, aside from the collapse of the Canadian dollar and the subsequent fire sale of every great player from those World Series-winning teams, I took a trip to Fenway Park. I felt so close to the action. I felt so at home. I felt so accepted and loved and part of a family in ways I’d never felt before. I started buying memorabilia. I collected Troy O’Leary and Mo Vaughn baseball cards. I could spell Nomar Garciaparra. (I was 12! I didn’t understand the concept of bandwagoning yet, and besides, the Sox were pretty woebegone at that point.) And with that, I flushed my ring down the toilet and started fresh. I haven’t looked back.

Other examples: Possible mass exodus of Clippers, Lions and Royals fans ... How could you, you heartless pig-headed jerk?

Part II: Rules of Engagement

WHEN IT’S OK

1. Keep it out of town. Any team from your division or conference or immediate geographical area is out. You detest these teams with a white-hot passion during the regular season and wish pestilence upon their coaches, so you have no business cheering for them under any circumstances. That’s like cheating on your girlfriend with her über hot best friend – provided said best friend is tactlessly trying to set her up with other guys and constantly whispering in her ear what a drunk, degenerate, immature gorilla she’s dating. It might feel good while the cheating’s hot and happening, but after it’s over you’ll feel like crying to an Air Supply album. Henceforth, I will not cheer for the Pats, Knicks, Maple Leafs or Florida Gators.

2. If your main squeeze is still around, (i.e. still playing) it better deserve the cheating. This means no cheering for another team while your team’s still in the playoffs or in playoff contention. You wouldn’t leave your significant other alone on the lawn at a concert to have a quick run-in with a booty call who happens to have indoor seats, right? Well, maybe backstage passes were involved, or maybe if your significant other complained, “I think I’m getting ready to leave.” So, for example, it’s perfectly acceptable for a Bengals fan to jump aboard the Philadelphia Eagles bandwagon right about now.

3. If your team is out, it’s open season so as long as you aren’t in violation of Rule 1. So, this means if your team is out of the playoffs, then it’s perfectly kosher to lock eyes with anybody you want, provided it isn’t a natural rival or division foe. This is why I don’t cheer for the Pats once the Bills are out (and they most assuredly will be), because they’re in the “AFC East” and I don’t root for SEC teams or Big East teams to win the national title. I don’t care if it’s a newbie Big East team, either, like South Florida. Your novelty wears off as soon as you wasting oxygen by sucking it away from my favorite team.

WHEN IT’S NOT OK

1. When your favorite player jumps to a new team. (ahem: Jets fans who were once Packers fans, I’m onto your ruse.)

2. When your favorite team moves cities and a new one takes its place. (If you’re living in Cleveland and you have a Ravens jersey, get ready for death by bathtub toaster!)

3. When your favorite team has realistic (or even faint) hope of not sucking.

4. When you become involved with a girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse who has conflicting allegiances. See enclosed video:

Yeah, because, see ... all my girlfriends have been Yankees fans. And, well, I’d rather be killed via trampoline and high-powered ceiling fan than don pinstripes and sing “New York, New York.”

Let it be known, it is also NOT all right to cheat on girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse who has conflicting allegiances, even if it is with someone who shares your same passion for your same team. Just because the Godfather is your favorite movie and Sofia Coppola is on your bed does not mean you cheat on Jessica Alba.

**************************************************************************

[presses play, re-enters frame]

Well, babe, I’m back.

I wanted to let you know how I felt, and why I do the things I do. I know I’ve been kind of a worthless slime ball over the past couple weeks, but I swear that’s out of my system now. We’re all back to normal and I can’t wait to go on that big trip again with you starting in March. That’s going to be so much fun!

Anyway, I hope you understand and I hope you’ll forgive me. I love you, and we’ll be together for life.

At least, until the Cubs win the World Series. But don’t worry, babe, that’ll never happen!

(Enjoy the stylings of Mr. Gorman? Pony up to the bar at The Love of Beer for more ale-induced ravings and allegories ...)