Can The Good Guys Win?

By Scott “Love Handles” Rathmill
Love of Sports Correspondent

“Can the Good Guys win?”

It’s a question I’ve asked myself every single morning of the 2007-08 fantasy basketball season.

The answer so far? A resounding “sort of.”

So, maybe this grand experiment hasn’t turned out to be as Earth-shattering as I’d hoped. A lot of the disappointment is due to key injuries – Yao’s foot, Caron Butler’s hip and Shane Battier’s hairline – it’s now officially passed below the midpoint of his forehead.

My team, “The Centerfolds” is still in fourth place, but I don’t foresee any means by which we could claw our way back to the top. Hell, we couldn’t even drive Shaq’s giant black truck to the top of the standings if we wanted to.

Which reminds me - I need to ask Shaq if I can borrow his fractional share of a private jet to fly down to Florida.

What a perfect segue to baseball.

With Spring Training now in full swing, it’s time to switch gears yet again. Baseball’s back. And along with baseball, comes – you guessed it - fantasy baseball.

So, now’s the perfect time to let you in on a few of my fantasy baseball draft secrets.

The truth is, it’s all about the preparation. Especially when you’re drafting in a keeper league, like mine.

And I’m not talking about simply poring over rankings and sifting through player projections for hours upon hours - many weeks and months before draft day - or memorizing stat lines for every position player over the past six years and calculating your own projections derived from a complex multivariable-calculus-based algorithm.

This data’s then uploaded to a server farm in India (via secure satellite transmission), which crunches the numbers and spits out the left-handed second basemen who bat the best against pitchers with more than four vowels in their last names – and whose high school mascots were some variety of eagle (bald, golden, screaming, etc.).

Every average fantasy manager does that stuff nowadays.

And I don’t mean traveling to Florida, Arizona and the Dominican Republic to attend Winter Ball and/or Spring Training games in order to scout the starting position battles, and get a jump on the latest news.

Top fantasy gamers have been doing that for five or six years now, easy.

If this is all you’ve been doing to prepare for your draft, I’m afraid you need to step up your game, my friends.

In my current league, we’re able to draft minor league players. For example, I drafted Hunter Pence and Jacoby Ellsbury last year before they even played their first game in the majors.

Several years ago, one guy in our league drafted Scott Kazmir … while he was still a junior in high school. I’m not kidding.

So, if you’re going to keep pace with crazy people like me, or my Kazmir-loving colleague, you need to look at all available avenues.

My suggestions if you REALLY want to win your keeper league?

1. Learn Spanish

2. Book a trip to Cuba (you’ll need to go through Canada).

3. Bring some extra suitcases.

4. Hang around some playgrounds and junior high school ball fields.

5. Evade the Castro regime’s “Policia Secreto.”

6. Take copious notes regarding the 13-year-old with the 102 mph slider and the unorthodox leg kick.

7. Discover the mythical 230-pound, 14-year-old right fielder with a howitzer arm and ability to hit a baseball so hard it actually vaporizes upon contact with his bat.

8. Marvel at the natural beauty of La Isla Cubana, make mental note to write congressman about lifting embargoes against Cuba, and allow for free travel to and from the island nation.

9. Gather all relevant personal information on the aforementioned individuals. You’ll need this info on draft day.

10. Find their younger siblings – play catch with them. Maybe hit a few balls around as well.

11. If talented - and small enough - place siblings in extra suitcases.

12. Don’t forget plenty of air holes, and stock suitcases with juice boxes and snacks.

13. Once safely in the USA, send the Cuban youngsters to prep school and encourage them to play baseball.

14. Wait a few years. Draft. Repeat.

There you have it. You’ll be dominating your keeper league within 10-12 years.

Alternatively, you could follow a similar process in Japan, or Texas. And besides, those places are easier to fly to.

In any case, best of luck in your draft preparations. May you discover the next rookie phenom, and draft him before anyone else even knows his name.

(Scott’s column appears in this spot each and every Wednesday. You can read more of Scott’s work at www.iamthemill.com.)