Don’t Be That Guy

By Adam Ruggiero
Love of Sports Correspondent

With the hubbub of the holiday season past, it’s time for you to get serious about those resolutions. If you’ve resolved to combat terminal couch potato-itis and rediscover that sinewy bod’ you took for granted in college, a little adult-league pickup basketball might be the perfect thing. But there are a few things you should know before lacing ’em up.

Although your local gym is a great place to organize a little b-ball with some like-minded guys and gals who enjoy a good workout, you’re sure to encounter some interesting personalities when the machismo hits the hard court. So, this year, before you dust off the old Chuck Taylors, be on the lookout for the following characters. Heck, you may even be one yourself.

1. Sweats-a-lot Guy

If you’ve ever played ball at the local gym, you know who this is. If you don’t, you’re probably him. Sweats-a-lot Guy gets more bang for his workout buck than anyone else. Ten minutes patrolling the perimeter does for him what an hour of jazzercise in the club sauna does for the rest of us. His slick, saline secretions are actually an aggressive defense against any would-be defender. Your best bet is to see who’s sporting the most moisture during the pregame shoot-around and find someone else to guard.

2. Ball-is-always-in Guy

Charlie Hustle has nothing on this guy. Ball-is-always-in Guy doesn’t know the meaning of the word “rest,” nor the phrase “friendly competition.” This is the guy who lives in a world where it’s always the fourth quarter and he’s always down by one. Unless the ball’s been kicked out of bounds and is rolling near the drinking fountains at the opposite end of the gym, it’s on. Be careful on your pass in to start the game; this guy is liable to snatch it with cat-like reflexes and sprint full court for a technically perfect layup. Oh, and he’ll probably leave the ball there for your inbound as he hurries back on D.

3. Lurch Guy

This is the guy who’s got all the God-given size and strength of a Kodiak bear on hind legs – and the talent to match. Lurch Guy has usually just finished bench pressing the entire weight rack and squatting the equivalent of a ’74 Buick before stepping on the court. But all the muscle in the world can’t help this guy tickle the nylon. If you happen to be this guy – towering over teammates and competition, and prone to dribbling off your feet – be thankful for your intimidating man-stature and set lots and lots of picks.

4. Three-point Guy / “I got one” Guy

These guys are two distinct characters on the court, but they share enough qualities that they’ve been grouped together. Both are extremely vocal – constantly barking out directions to their team – and both have enough confidence in their basketball prowess to fill Madison Square Garden. Three-point Guy is easy to spot – he’s the one acting like anything within 30 feet of the hoop is hot lava. His sniper-like skill at consistently banging the corner where rim meets backboard doesn’t phase him, and he’ll continue to clap and call for you to “dish me the rock!”

“I got one” Guy, by contrast, drives toward the iron like he’s got a magnet in his skull. Just as brash as his downtown counterpart, this is the guy who cries foul if someone so much as sneezes while he has the ball. These phantom fouls are usually a cover for his Tilt-a-Whirl-like grace and direction.

5. Head-shoulders-knees-and-elbows Guy

Being an HSKE-type myself, I can’t fault anybody else for being this guy. Generally, we have nothing but the best intentions as we post up or drive the lane, but all too often the hardest parts of our bodies hit the softest parts of others’. Because it’s unintentional, I find no shame in being the guy no one else wants to guard … unless you’re sweats-a-lot guy.

6. Headband-goggles-high-socks-shorty-shorts Guy

Chances are if you don’t find the humor in mid-thigh shorts, red-striped tube socks, racquetball goggles and a headband straight out of Footloose, you are this guy. And God bless you, for you’re the reason adult-league basketball is so much fun. Often, you’re a relic of intramural days gone by – a simpler time when layups were an art form, bounce-passing was all the rage and fondue was visionary. The beauty of being this guy is that you can have any of the shortcomings of the other types, but your style alone will keep you in players’ good graces.

So, lace ’em up, stretch it out and go play some round ball. And if you need to, bring a towel. Your friends will thank you.