If Playoff Teams Were Beers

By C.G. Morelli
Love of Sports Correspondent

So, I’m sacked out on the couch with a mountain of pork rinds to rival Kilimanjaro in front of me and one of a plethora of divisional series games blaring from the tube.

I reach for my beer and take a long swig. Then I give a quick sip to my boy Mike Schmidt, my dog, who’s lazily watching every inning along with me.

I think to myself, “This is what life’s all about.” Playoff baseball, beer, little or no physical exertion … things can’t possibly get much better.

But then my mind begins to wander. The beer, the baseball and the playoffs start mixing together, bouncing randomly off the inside walls of my skull, whipping around at warp speed, dredging up ideas I never knew I had. Then suddenly they all collide in one violent crash, molding them together as one.

That’s when it happens. A deep and Earth shattering question arises from the darkest recesses of my mind: What if the playoff teams were, uhh, beers?

It’s an interesting path that could eventually end up both tasting great and being less filling.

So, I decided to take that trip.

Playoff Teams and the Beers That Represent Them

Tampa Bay Rays – Corona Light

America’s sweethearts hail from a crappy little tin can known as Tropicana Field. For the Rays, in their warm weather paradise, the regular season and spring training seem to meld together as one in a typical year. But this is clearly not your typical year.

After slaying the beasts of the AL East to take home the division crown, a formidable lineup led by youngsters Evan Longoria and B.J. Upton made quick work of the White Sox in their divisional series. Fans are now ready to forego the upcoming series and simply proclaim the Rays AL champs.

But, in reality, this team is nothing more than the Corona Light of the playoff field. They’re tropical and even a little bubbly at first glance. A casual fan might get lost in the excitement of drinking in something new. However, all we’re really getting is the same old Cinderella story with a slightly more watered-down finish.

And let’s not forget the Rays inexperience, which will prove to be even worse than a big old piece of fruit in your beer.

Boston Red Sox – Samuel Adams (Duhh!)

The Sox are the class of this year’s playoff field. They’ve been here before. They’ve gotten the job done on more than one occasion and, quite frankly, you know what you’re getting when it comes to this team.

All things considered, from a heavy hitting lineup stocked with feared power hitters like David Ortiz, to a talented staff anchored by a guy who’s simply on fire right now in Jon Lester, to a battle-tested manager with a pair of rings, it’s clear the Sox will be a tough out.

Like a good old-fashioned bottle of Samuel Adam’s Lager, you know you’ll see a full bodied, complex, refreshing team down in Tampa this weekend. Only question is, will we get one of those nasty, skunky bottles of Sam that somehow inexplicably makes it into the six pack? Or will we get the real thing?

Los Angeles Dodgers – Red Stripe

When Joe Torre brings his laid back coaching style to the table and Manny Ramirez brings the dreds, there’s no better comparison in my mind than a bottle of Red Stripe.

Simple geography makes the Dodgers a little bit different than the rest of the playoff field. Being the only West Coast team gives them the feel of the squatty, brown bottle filled with a Rastafarian’s delight.

With a solid three man rotation boasting Derek Lowe, Hiroki Kuroda and Chad Billingsley, the Dodgers, like a bottle of Kingston’s finest, give you the illusion of silky smoothness going down.

But will Manny’s crispness suddenly turn to a bitter Jamaican-style after taste if Major League Baseball gets it’s ultimate wish: The Manny vs. Red Sox World Series?

Philadelphia Phillies – Miller High Life

Now that’s enjoying the High Life, ladies and gentlemen … Miller High Life, that is.

This blue collar team comes from the quintessential blue collar town. It goes without saying many of the fans in Philly will be loud, raucous, obnoxious and with a belly full of the High Life throughout the playoffs. That, in itself, should make the Phils a formidable contender.

But that’s not the only reason I’ve likened them to the High Life. Just like the beer, they’re an every man’s team. They haven’t won a World Series since 1980, they boast a gritty defensive infield with Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley up the middle, and they just straight mash from both sides of the plate.

If you love meat, potatoes, beer and plenty of taters – and I’m talking about the kind that leave the yard – then you’re a lock to be cheering for the Phightin’ Phils this October.