In Case You Were Abducted By Aliens

By Cassie Harris
Love of Sports Correspondent

It may only be November, but it’s never too early to gain some perspective on the year that is.

Consider this:

If you were abducted by aliens in November of 2007, then returned to Earth today, you’d probably be pretty messed up.

For starters, there’s the whole “abducted by aliens” part. Your experience would probably give you the ability to eat metallic objects and cause you to wonder if your face is really your face.

But getting past all that (therapy probably helps), you may hope to find solace from your out-of-this-world experiences in the dependable world of sports. Unfortunately, sports never noticed you were gone.

Prior to your abduction, you probably thought Brett Favre would never suit up for another team, and that no team could go 16-0 in the salary cap era.

Bet you figured you could go the rest of your life without hearing the name Greg Norman again.

I’m sure you lost sleep over how great Mark Spitz’s record of seven gold medals was, and you even have a tattoo of his likeness on your forearm, because tattoos are permanent, just like that record.

When all those things let you down, you knew for sure that the futility of the Tampa Bay Rays is money in the bank. I mean, the Yankees have made the playoffs for 13 consecutive seasons, there’s no way that the … what? … Holy Tim Kurkjian!! Worst to first in the AL East? No way?!

Tiger and O.J. are nowhere to be found on the golf course; Roger Federer is no longer the No. 1 tennis player in the world; instant replay is being used in baseball; Brian Scalabrine now gets tables at restaurants as an NBA champion; Barry Melrose is coaching again; some guy named Boo Weekley is famous – You’d think you’ve been gone for quite a while. I mean ... at least like a year and a half.

As if the combination of post-abduction syndrome and the volatility of today’s sports world weren’t bad enough, you have to find out that Bill Pidto no longer works at ESPN and Pat Garrity’s retired.

It may seem like nothing’s sacred. But hey, at least you can still depend on the Cubs.

Sure, every year has its share of rarities, broken records and breakout stars, but down the road we may look back on 2008 as one of the more interesting sports years in recent memory.

Of course, for you, it’ll be more known as the year you returned from your quality time with Gorlock.