Mike Nolan

[at a BART Subway Station in 2014]

Hey! Do you remember me? I’m Mike Nolan!

You know, I used to be the head coach of the San Francisco 49ers! No, no, no ... not the guy who won all the Super Bowls. You’re thinking of Bill Walsh.

Yeah! Really! Those were great times, man. I really miss those days. As you can see, my setup here is pretty sweet. This red and gold reminds me every morning when I wake up of the team that really made my life.

I’m not sure if you knew this, but my Dad used to coach the Niners, too, back in the ‘70s. I’ve been enamored with the team ever since. It was really tough to let that dream go, man.

I used to be able to wear suits on the sideline at home games! They never let coaches wear suits! I was one of the coolest cats ever, prowling that sideline with the jacket, the pants and the tie. I carried around a rolled up playbook just like Chuck Noll and Tom Landry - all the greats.

Yeah, sometimes when I’m just laying down here on this cardboard, I think of the great times I used to have. You know, though life’s been pretty rough on me lately, I can’t complain. It’s been a full experience, and every high is balanced by every low.

Except, I need to tell you two things. The first one is double-top secret ... I wish Alex Smith was never born. Yeah, you heard me.

That no-talent, noodle-armed basketcase held my fortunes in his plexiglass hands, man. And he crushed them! It wasn’t my call to draft him first overall, and yet - there I am - trying to “develop” a quarterback when we could have been winning with that defense I installed there! You try getting receivers to catch passes from Mr. Smith or - even better - Trent Dilfer or J.T. O’Sullivan when he’s texting his BFFs while on IR.

Nay ... Alex Smith. I have a little Starting Line-Up Action Figure of him here, and I keep sticking needles into his pretty little plastic face. Sometimes, when I’m really frustrated, I take a lighter and melt a little bit of his shoulder off - just a little.

The second thing, seriously ... do you have a dollar, man? I could really use a beer and the newsstand closes in 10. That’d be a huge help.

That’s what I need, man, some TOUGH LOVE telling me to set me straight. To let me know that I can learn from my mistakes and one day rise up to be a top-flight coach again in the big show!

Thanks, man. You’re the best.