Sport’s Top 10 Worst Trophies

By Adam Ruggiero
Love of Sports Correspondent

There are two elements of sport that shine through and make our pastimes and various competitive pursuits worth competitively pursuing: fun and The Love Of Sports.

However, outside of those two, there’s one glaring purpose behind sport: winning.

And with winning comes accolades. In particular, it comes with the attainment of a trophy in honor of personal or team achievement in his/her/their given endeavor.

While winning will lift the spirits of competitors and fans alike, regardless of sport, some of the rewards given to the champions are less glamorous than others.

The following is a list of the 10 worst trophies one can “win.” The accomplishment notwithstanding, some sports sadly just don’t know how to honor their winner properly.

TOP 10 WORST LOOKING TROPHIES

10. NFL Hall of Fame Jacket

OK, so this is not a trophy per se, but it is a reward bestowed upon great athletes for their legendary accomplishments in the game. After long and arduous careers, in many cases a decade or more at the professional level, these modern-day gladiators of the gridiron are ushered into immortality in geriatric, nauseating pale-yellow blazer that begs to be worn at an American Legion polka night. Since 1963, Canton has been home to the NFL’s Hall of Fame and its famous induction ceremony. Maybe it’s no surprise, then, the attire for this ceremony is something you’d expect a bouncer outside a roller-disco to wear, or maybe the Good Humor Ice Cream man.

9. Nathan’s Hot Dog-Eating Contest Mustard Belt

While we’re on the topic of non-trophy trophies, let me address the world famous hot dog-eating contest that takes place on Coney Island every year. Sure, the winners traditionally are awarded Nathan’s Mustard Belt – a bejeweled yellow mockery of the any pro wrestling/boxing/MMA championship belt – but in addition to this dubious prize, the winner also receives a year’s supply of Nathan’s hot dogs. Ah-hem. Last year’s winner, Joey Chestnut, ate 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes. I’m 25 and I haven’t yet eaten 66 hot dogs in my life! If, after one-fifth of an hour, I’d gorged 66 hot dogs – a substance that by any reasonable measure is a better insulating agent than a food – the very last thing I would want to see, hear, touch, or certainly taste, would be another hot dog! Seriously, how about some Pepto Bismol, or maybe a year’s supply of dinner mints and therapy?

8. Heisman Trophy

I know, it’s almost blasphemous. But I’m not ragging on the trophy itself, although I do think it looks like a lumpy, third-grade arts and crafts project. No, the problem I have with the vaunted award given to college football’s Most Valuable Player is that it’s a predictor of nothing. One would think, what with all the hype put behind the NFL Draft – where 19 and 20-year-olds wait to be promised $70-plus million dollar contracts – that the NCAA’s best player would become at least a minor star at the pro level. Yet, recent NFL-busts who’ve achieved this honor include Troy Smith, Jason White, Eric Crouch, Chris Weinke and Ron Dayne. Maybe you’ve heard of them (though probably you haven’t), and if so, it’s almost certainly for their outstanding college careers. None of these former college stars has become a household NFL name. The honor of the Heisman is beginning to fade. Just ask anyone who follows college football who John Heisman was. Right, exactly. It still makes for great debate fodder, but this is a trophy without meaning.

7. The Memorial Cup

Perhaps the most hard-won trophy in all of sports – and that’s saying a lot – the Memorial Cup is awarded to the champion of the Canadian Hockey League, a feat that requires the ultimate winner to best the 60 other teams who vie for the right to raise the Cup in celebration. And therein lies the problem. The Cup, which dates back to 1919, is now truly won in name only, with the winning squad given a replica trophy to skate around the rink upon their victory. On May 25, 2008, the Spokane Chiefs began their celebratory parade around the rink after besting the Kitchener Rangers 4-1. But recently Chiefs captain Chris Bruton lowered the Cup from over his head during the celebration, only to watch the cup portion snap off from the base. I think it’s time to think about putting a little more care into this trophy’s construction. I’ve won many a Little League trophy given to the last-place team, just because, and none of them have snapped in two. C’mon CHL, you can do better.

6. Larry O’Brien Trophy (NBA)

Yeah, you’re welcome. If I hadn’t put NBA in parentheses, most of you would have no idea what I was talking about, and with good reason. Odds are, we’ve all seen the trophy at one time or another, but basketball isn’t about the hardware. Football has the Super Bowl, baseball has the World Series and hockey has the Stanley Cup. Basketball is just “The Finals.” That’s no fun. While the trophy design isn’t terrible – a golden pedestal with a basketball teetering precariously on top – it doesn’t have the history or a cool name to accompany it. By the way, Mr. O’Brien was NBA Commissioner from 1975-1984, an era that saw him direct the merger of the NBA and ABA (American Basketball Association) and negotiate the first big television contracts between the NBA and CBS. He was also the postmaster general, so tell all your friends.

5. American Football Coaches Association Trophy

Better known to you and me as the BCS National Championship trophy awarded to the consensus #1 team in the nation, who has typically been the winner of the #1 vs. #2 game in January. The problem is that such a #1 vs. #2 matchup is guesswork at best, and generally there is a case to be made by the winner of one of the other four BCS bowls. It’s a crystal football, it’s pretty, and if it were given to the hands-down winner, this trophy wouldn’t be on the list. However, as it stands, there’s perhaps no other prize in sports more controversial than this. Until we have a playoff to boil down who the real champion is, this is a bad trophy.

4. WBA/WBC/IBF/WBO Championship Belt

How many current boxers can you name right now? I think I heard Oscar De La Hoya, Bernard Hopkins, Evander Holyfield and Mike Tyson. AANNNGGGHHH (buzzer noise). Actually, Wladimir (Vladimir) Klitschko, Kelly Pavlik and Floyd Mayweather would have been acceptable. And that’s really the point. Boxing’s become so disjointed and seemingly dishonest that factions have broken off and fans have departed in disgust in throngs. Add to that the exorbitant cost of pay-per-view title bouts between obscure fighters and you have a recipe for failure. (For trivia’s sake, it’s the World Boxing Association, the World Boxing Council, the International Boxing Federation and the World Boxing Organization.)

3. Vince Lombardi Trophy

Blasphemy again, I know. Listen, the Super Bowl is the most-watched annual sporting event in the world (the World Cup garners billions every four years), and football is America’s modern pastime without question. In fact, I think the trophy is pretty cool. The reason it’s on this list is that after such painstaking efforts to preserve this polished, sterling silver treasure, the winning team’s brass – owner, coach and prominent players – nastify it by slobbering wet kisses on it and smudging their sweaty fingerprints all over it. Leading up to its presentation, the trophy is handled with white cotton gloves under close supervision of its handlers. But no sooner does the award meet its victors than it becomes a sticky, splotchy hunk of football-shaped metal. I cringe every time it’s handed off to the winning coach, who inevitably makes out with the virgin façade of this otherwise immaculate prize. Blegh.

2. Wimbledon Plate

I’m not much of a tennis fan in the first place, but Wimbledon is Wimbledon, and when this Grand Slam title rolls around in mid-summer, I watch. Tennis is one of those TV events that ropes you in unsuspectingly. You’ll pop it in because there’s nothing better on during a beautiful weekend afternoon, and within minutes you’re rooting for one player or the other to close out that final set or rally back to win from near elimination. What’s more, Wimbledon – and tennis in general – is one of the few athletic spectacles where the women’s draw is more compelling than the men’s. So, what’s the reward for investing so much in tennis’s greatest event? Dinnerware. That’s right. After two weeks of hard-fought, grueling humid-hot matches, the renowned ladies’ champion is presented with the Venus Rosewater Dish – a fancy name for the decorative sterling silver salver (a flat serving tray). Listen, I know tradition is one of the underpinnings of sports, but this is silly. Why not round out the Grand Slam events with a golden spoon, a bronze fork and some crystal tumblers? I guess it might be worth it if it’s dishwasher safe.

1. The Commissioner’s Trophy

The trophy for the worst trophy goes to … baseball. Most of us can name at least half of the last decade’s World Series’ champions. What we can’t tell you is what the trophy that every one of them won – the same for each – looked like. Since 1967, the winner of baseball’s world championship tournament, a playoff of only American teams, has been this trophy that depicts every major league team with a flag of gold-plated sterling silver. Almost no one knows this hardware even exists, and those that do probably owe their knowledge to Seinfeld, when George Costanza dragged the obscure knick-knack behind his car while trying to get fired from the Yankees organization. To make matters worse, unlike many other renowned trophies in professional athletics which are given up by the previous year’s winner to the new champion, Major League Baseball’s Commissioner’s Trophy is reproduced every year. Congratulations, here’s a new piece of crap.

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