Top 10 People To Avoid At The Gym

By Tough Love
Senior Love God

In a world now composed of Starbucks, Target, fast-food chains and big business influencing our society, the fitness world is following suit.

Facilities like Gold’s Gym, Ballys, 24 Hour Fitness and whatever Richard Simmons is pushing are growing all over the world. People are flocking to the gym en masse to get the Britney Spears body (at 17, that is), feel good about themselves and live a healthy lifestyle. For zero money down, you can run on a treadmill every morning while watching the finest plasma TV Mitsubishi has to offer - all for under a buck a day.

The only problem with this wonderful growth of health conscious folk is that they’ve never been to the gym, they don’t want to be at the gym and they don’t know how to act at the gym.

It’s not like the old days, when you wore a pair of cut-off jean shorts to a hole-in-the-wall local joint with basic benches and weights, idolizing posters of Arnold and Stallone in their prime. Today, we have all sizes and personalities floating around the fitness facility, and I plan on giving those certain people a few pointers on what NOT to do.

THE 10 MOST ANNOYING PEOPLE AT THE GYM

10. People that wear sunglasses indoors are #^*$#&^@’s

It’s definitely a quote from Seinfeld creator Larry David, but it needs to be openly expressed more. Could this be an L.A. or New York thing only? Possibly, but it still doesn’t hide the disdain. First, wife-beaters, now sunglasses. I see ‘em at every gym I’ve been to in Los Angeles. I feel like I’m having bouts of schizophrenic behavior, wanting to get to the bottom of the sunglass mystery. Why? Really? Idiots!! Maybe these people believe wearing a pair of shades that cost them over two bills would make them exempt from scrutiny? ... Not quite.

9. I don’t want to wipe up your puddle of fat juice

Have you ever avoided a machine or bench due to a slimy residue? I know I have, and I’m fighting for this nonsense to stop. I have nothing against the overweight amongst us, but if you’re one of the fat ones, then you know you’re going to be dripping some of that cheesesteak and chili cheese fries you had for lunch all over the equipment. Now, I know you don’t want to pay the extra buck it costs for the towel (not my fault), but just go ahead, splurge and clean up the sludge. You didn’t flinch this afternoon when you upgraded to the large chocolate shake and added extra cheese to your philly steak, did you? So, spend the buck so we don’t have anymore nightmares of being attacked by your sweat monsters.

8. They have lockers for a reason! (Attn: Fanny Pack Club Members)

They’re either made of wood or steel. And they’re in the big room where you weigh yourself two to three times every time you’re at the gym. Yeah, you! Place your goofy fanny pack in the locker and continue on. It’s bad enough I’m laughing at you for wearing the Otomix boots, even though you’ve never competed in an event. Maybe in your head you have, but that’s another article. The socks are also a no-no. Yeah, I’m talking to YOU again, Mr. Fanny Pack, with the socks (ruffles and crazy pastel colors) right from the 80s and 90s when you fantasized about becoming a character from the ESPN workout shows.

7. We know you read Muscle Magazine; Stop grunting

There’s nothing I hate more than listening to YOU, Mr. Average Joe, lifting your 145-pound bench, while spitting and grunting so half the gym can hear. It’s always a certain kind of guy, too. Hey buddy, look at the magazines, then look at yourself. There’s a BIG difference there! Embrace your 22 percent body fat and get on that machine called a treadmill next to Mr. Fat Juice. You two would make great friends.

6. There’s always that guy creating a new exercise

I don’t know what it is about these posers. Again, no need to validate that you’re some kind of wiz in the gym. We can tell you obviously don’t workout often, and we don’t want your advice, or your new “advanced exercise”. You know these guys are just dying inside to have someone ask what they’re doing. People, don’t buy into that nonsense! This is also the same guy walking backwards on the treadmill. Tell me you’ve seen this? It’s a beaut.

5. We might just slap you off the treadmill if you don’t get off the phone

We know you’re still making deals, Mr. Car Salesman. Nobody cares what you are doing later, either. (Now, just imagine the same cheesy car salesman getting shot down time after time in the club that night by college girls.) These are the kind of meatballs we’re dealing with here, people. Just restrain yourself and know you’ve successfully eluded tool status.

4. Spandex was never cool

There are still guys in their mid-30’s to 70’s that are still embarrassing themselves and freaking out homophobic men like myself. Women of all ages, shapes and sizes are free to parade around the gym with an array of skintight colors, but not YOU, dude!

3. Do I have to hear another conversation about PROTEIN?!

We’re in the no-carb, all-protein age of fitness fanatics. But I’m not buying it. This is just another reason for the 9-to-5ers to brag about how their body fat has gone from 21.435 percent to 17.621 percent over a six-month period. And to top this off, they’re running this story of bullshit at happy hour after their fourth pint of lager. Really, I don’t care if you eat nothing but chicken for the rest of your life, get out of my face with talk about your protein shakes, protein cookies, egg-whites, protein toothpaste and whatever gimmick you’re buying while drinking your 12th beer. Keep your protein to yourself!

2. Stop telling dudes you like their symmetry

Dudes don’t need to strike up conversations about how another guy looks while they’re at the gym. There are many other things to talk about if you need the attention that bad. But no, this garbage seems to follow me to every gym I go to. A note to all the guys doing this: STOP IT!

1. No need to parade around the lockerroom naked

GAY GAY GAY! WHY? WHY? WHY? Have you ever noticed those guys who just don’t want to put their clothes on after showering? They’ll get on the scale, brush their teeth, check their voicemail, go over to the sink, blow dry their hair and then they might start to put the undies up. Yikes. And to those dudes who blow dry their hair in the lockerroom ... you are the true JOKERS of the world!  Violence might just be necessary in the future to correct such problems.

Thankfully, I’ll be pulling out my own personal Bow-Flex machine or doing pushups in my driveway (a la T.O.) in order to stay as far away from the wacky world of gym people as possible.