The Monday Mixtape

by John Gorman
Love of Sports Correspondent

We sure love us some football.

What do we love more than football? Food.

We’re total gluttons, but we can also chef like the third world depends on it. So, this week, rather than make a truckload of unfunny jokes or wax sociopolitical all up in your grill, we’re going to do something useful: we’re giving you a gameday recipe. You can try it out tonight during the super-awesome MNF doubleheader. Let us know how it turns out.

Nacho Nachos, My Nachos

Tostitos Hint of Lime Tortilla Chips – 1 bag
Velveeta Cheese – Half the log
Salsa – Two cups
Ground Turkey – 1/2 pound
Sour Cream
Jalapenos (2-6)
Black Olives (half the can)

1. Dice the jalapenos and black olives. Some people will tell you to remove the seeds from the japs because they’re too hot. Leave the seeds, you Nancy. That’s where the flavor is!

2. Grill the ground turkey until done medium brown. Don’t overcook. The turkey is already dead.

3. Chop the Velveeta into little ½ inch squares, dump into a saucepan with salsa. Heat until blended. It’s crucial that you chop the Velveeta, otherwise the edges burn while the center is still solid. You don’t want that.

4. Take out chips and pour out the entire bag onto a big platter. If you screw this part up, please put your safety helmet back on.

5. Pour Velveeta-Salsa mixture on top of chips. See step four for additional instructions.

6. Lovingly sprinkle the meat on the Nachos, add several big dollops of Sour Cream, and top with the diced olives and jalapenos. Please spread as evenly as possible, so that no Nachos feel neglected.

7. Crack open an Amber Lager (best beer pairing) and devour. You’ve done great work, soldier.

Total prep time should be about 20 minutes. That’s it. Let’s tackle some football, shall we?

Cassels made of sand fall in the sea, eventually: Paging Dr. Doom … the white courtesy phone, please. For those of you who were wondering how Brady’s foot injury would affect his play this season, your answer has been provided on page one. An ACL tear renders that question completely useless. Matt Cassel is laughing in the face of Jim Sorgi right now.

We’re convinced, had the Neckbeard started the Super Bowl, the Bears would have won: Kyle Orton “game-managed” his way to victory over the Colts on Sunday night, spoiling the Colts’ debut of their new cathedral of artificial crowd noise.

Alone in first place for the first time since… (Rustles papers, gives up in disgust): Welcome your NFC West overlords, the Arizona Cardinals! Kurt Warner talked to God in a phonebox and prayed not to turn the ball over. Five dollars says 8-8 wins this division … by three games.

Canada’s about to savor one clever franchise: Zero turnovers, a fake field goal, a punt return for a touchdown and a convincing win over a projected playoff team? These aren’t the Bills we grew to wince at. Cue that apocalypse.

Get ready for the best joke you’ll hear all week: The Rams.

I see a North Carolina and a South Carolina, but an East Carolina? We must be lost: Yarrr … the Pirates from Greenville, North Carolina arrrrr 2-0 following upsets over Virginia Tech and West Virginia. ECU lands in the Top 25 for the first time since Britney Spears was a virgin.

If the Spanish conquered the Aztecs like that, our corner office would be in a pyramid: Notre Dame just barely handled San Diego State. Jimmy Claussen was stoked, but more thrilled he led his flip-cup team to the championship.

Memo to John McCain, 80 year-olds are still relevant leaders: Joe Paterno is so old, he uses carbon dating to find a mate! Seriously, though, Penn State’s 45-14 throttling of the Beavers is finger-licking good.

Sweeping a division leader to extend a win streak to eight games part 1: Joe Torre did a stellar enough job dozing off in the dugout to navigate the Dodgers to a weekend sweep of the D’Backs. They’re up by one and-a-half in the N.L. West.

Sweeping a division leader to extend a win streak to eight games part 2: The Toronto Blue Jays swept the Tampa Bay Rays this weekend. They still have no realistic shot of making the playoffs, but if they too were in the N.L. West, they’d be leading the division by three games.

Is there anymore room for me, in those genes: Serena Williams completes a back-to-back Williams sister summer by defeating the sumptuous Jelena Jankovic in straight sets. With 16 Grand Slam titles between the two of them, they’re the most powerful siblings in America since the Bushes. Man … that turned out well.

Just when you think your Monday is going to rot, smile, for there are two football games this evening … and you don’t even have to change the channel.

(Photo: Boston Globe)

(John Gorman’s The Monday Mixtape appears in this spot Every Monday.)