The Rock Files

By Mad Love on 02/29 at 06:04 AM

By David Rock
Love of Sports Correspondent

In a recent ESPN the Magazine issue, Michael Jordan is quoted on the cover saying “David Stern hates it when I say this, but …”

Well, The Rock Files has secretly discovered 50 different ways Jordan finished that sentence in the interview that didn’t make into the magazine.

David Stern hates it when I say this, but …

1. … One thing that keeps me up at night: If they forgot about Christian Slater, they can forget about me.
2. … These days, when I say ‘I love this game,’ I’m usually talking about blackjack.
3. … Michael Jordan cologne smells like sweaty basketball. It really does.
4. … I could still take Kobe one-on-one … in Guitar Hero.
5. … The NBA should have retired when I did.
6. … I believe in unicorns. Firmly. I’m 50-50 on Bigfoot, but no dice on Lochness. Sorry, Nessie.
7. … Lord, am I glad I was too old for tattoos by the time they became popular. Don’t these kids realize – those things don’t wash off!
8. … I have evidence that Sam Cassell is, in fact, a space alien.
9. … The biggest regret I have in my career is not getting Manute Bol a ring. He never played on any of my teams, but still.
10. … My clothing line may be produced in sweat-shops in third world Asian countries, but nobody’s holding a gun to the heads of the people who work there … What’s that? ... They are holding guns to their heads? ... Well how’s about that?
11. … The biggest mistake I made when I quit basketball for another sport was choosing baseball. If I’d just done the sensible thing and gone the badminton route … Lord, I would have rocked that shuttlecock!
12. … His Airness had some hot ladies back in the day. I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say Gisele would’ve been considered a “Buttaface” compared to some of my best dunks.
13. … I had $3 million on the Patriots! Damn!
14. … I don’t mean to perpetuate this rivalry thing with Kobe, but if I had Shaq in his prime, I could’ve won three championships left-handed and on one foot. Tell Kobe to call me when he goes the distance with Luc Longley.
15. … Is it weird that I like to watch my Hanes commercials on the TiVo when I’m in my Hanes?
16. … That Michael Olowokandi guy. He really had the stuff!
17. … The thing about Scottie Pippen is we know how great he was because he kept winning championships without me. Oh wait, that’s right …
18. … I’m not saying there’s a connection, but we stopped winning the Olympics once I stopped playing in them.
19. … I still can’t figure out how I didn’t win an Academy Award for “Space Jam.” Just proof that Oscar won’t give a brother credit where it’s due.
20. … I’ve thought about this a lot, and I’d have to say my favorite basketball player in the game today is Michael Jordan.
21. … I usually start my day at 6:00 am by calling up Barkley and reminding him who has six rings and who has none. If he doesn’t answer, I start calling his kids.
22. … Remember when they called Harold Minor ‘Baby Jordan?’ I saw how well that worked out last time I got my oil changed at Jiffy Lube. His Babyness was just promoted to chief oil-change technician.
23. … I was totally faking the flu in the finals against Utah. Wanted to add another layer of mystique to ‘El Legendo Jordano’ if you catcho my drifto.
24. … I’ll admit I looked into changing my name to Best Player Ever. Instead, I just bought the license plate.
25. … When I drafted Adam Morrison over Brandon Roy, I was having what The Rock Files commonly refers to as a McHale moment.
26. … When people ask me what made me so great, I usually ask them a question: ‘How much time do you have?’
27. … Not to harp on this Kobe rivalry thing, again, but I did win championships with Luc Longley. Shaq vs. Luc Longley. Kobe, please note the difference. And who shot 49% and averaged 30 a game? Was that you, Kobe? I don’t think so, but really, there’s no rivalry.
28. … At some point I stopped taking Ambien to go to bed at night and just put on Spurs games. They always put me right to sleep.
29. … I always tell my kids, “You don’t have to fill my shoes. Now, what are your names again?”
30. … I plan to go into the Hall of Fame as a Washington Wizard.
31. … Who do I have to bang around here to get an invite to be on Dancing with the Stars?
32. … I’m confident I made Pat Riley cry at least a few times over the years. Maybe not in front of the cameras, but he definitely cried. And it brings joy to my heart just thinking about it.
33. … I still pick myself first in all of my fantasy drafts. Old habits die hard.
34. … No, I don’t worry about setting a bad example by smoking cigars in public. Cigars are good for your manliness.
35. … LeBron’s skills are impressive. But he is NOT a Jedi yet.
36. … How’s that rebuilding process going, Chicago? Miss me much? Hee hee hee…
37. … I feel like Saturday Night Live has lost my number. Don’t they remember the sweet music me and Al Franken made?
38. … The second thing I do everyday is call Sam Bowie and ask him if he still thinks he should’ve been drafted ahead of me.
39. … What’s missing in the NBA today is a player who’s as dominant and dynamic on the court as he is handsome and charismatic off of it. A player who everyone points to and says, ‘He’s as great at his sport, and representing it, as anyone has ever been.’… Uhhh, no, I’m not talking about anyone in particular.
40. … If I say I’m an oil man, you’ll agree. This is my son and partner H.W.
41. … The best thing about being Michael Jordan is … being Michael frickin’ Jordan. Hello? Everyone wants to be like Mike? Guess who actually is Mike? Me!!
42. … Karl Malone knows that Karl Malone don’t have a championship ring today because of Air Jordan.
43. … Do you think it’s any coincidence “Can’t Touch This” was the No. 1 song while I was in my prime? No one else will ever know what it feels like to be MC Hammer’s muse.
44. … Think how great John Elway could’ve been without the teeth.
45. … When I saw a movie with the title “I Am Legend” coming out, I just assumed Will Smith was playing me. My bad.
46. … I guess it would be a little late for me to start taking Propecia.
47. … Diablo Cody? An Oscar? Jesus, at least no one in the NBA ever handed Dennis Rodman an MVP.
48. … I gambled away the Charlotte Bobcats to some fat dude on a riverboat last week. Please don’t tell anyone.
49. … Once we’re done shooting the commercial, I switch to Adidas. Always.
50. … I am Tiger Woods.